KITTY HUMOR
"Sleeping
together is a euphemism for people,
but tantamount to marriage with cats." Marge Percy
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas
when I brought home my tree
My 12 cats were laughing at me
On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree
12 cats a-climbing
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
CAT DIARY
Weekly Excerpts From My Cat's Diary...
Copyright 2001 Mark Mason All Rights Reserved
On the first day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... A carpeted cheaply
home-made cat tree. (Feeble attempt by the Big Owner to get me off his bed
where I take up most of the space. Sorry, no go.)
On the second day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Two catnip toys.
(They were destroyed within minutes. Next...)
One the third day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Three nuggets of
Pounce. (Stingy humans.)(After they went to bed I knocked the can over and
ate the rest.)
On the fourth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Four furry mice.
(Fake, what a disappointment.)
On the fifth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Five small lattice
balls. (They made such an irritating noise on the hardwood floor the
Big Owner took them away the next day.)
On the sixth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Six floppy stuffed
Beanie Dalmatians. (95 to go. Big whoop.)
On the seventh day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Seven Pet Food
Covers. (Hold on here, buckeroo. I eat a whole can of that stuff at
one sitting. Covers suggest I won't be doing that anymore? Over your
dead body.)
On the eighth day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Eight Hairball
Toys. (Looks just like the real thing.)
On the ninth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Nine humans
dancing. (Trying to not step on the fake hairballs.)
On the tenth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Ten balls of
twine. (Old reliable. Z-z-z. I may knit a noose for the Big Owner.)
On the eleventh day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Eleven minutes
of scratching. (It's about all the Big Owner can handle before
strands of hair fly up into his nose and make him sneeze all over me.)
On the twelfth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Twelve human
hugs and kisses. It makes up for all the rest.
Kitty Quotes
KITTY QUOTES
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous
"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous
Gift Wrapping with Cat's Help
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors, labels etc.7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove
cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit and collect string.
9. Reopen drawer and re-remove cat.
10. Remove present from bag.
11. Remove cat from bag.
12. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
13. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
14. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
15. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
16. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
17. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
18. Place present on paper.
19. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
20. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
21. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
22. Seal paper with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
23. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
24. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
25. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
26. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
27. Decide to skip steps 13-17, in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box, that is the right size for sheet of paper.
28. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
29. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
30. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
31. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
32. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
33. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cries from cat outside door.)
34. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best.)
35. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with wrapping last year.
36. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
37. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing tears with transparent sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
38. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
39. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
40. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
41. Unwrap present, untie box and remove
cat.
42. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper. Feed cat. Return to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
43. Find least torn and wrinkled sheets of paper. Attempt to use sheets of same pattern.
44. Vainly try and wrap present in patchwork of paper. Tie with now tattered ribbon and decorate with the now limp bows. Label and put present in bag, for fear of anyone seeing this disaster.
45. When giving the gift, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
46. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the damn thing for you.
47. Smile smugly, knowing that the recipient could have received a cat!
HELP WANTED
A local business was looking for
office help, so they
put a sign in their window saying "HELP WANTED. Must
be able to type, must be good with a computer and
must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity
Employer." A short time afterward, a dog trotted up
to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He
looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office
manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was
surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked
determined, so he led him into the office. Inside,
the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the
manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The
sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out
the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it
to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager
was stunned, but he told the dog, "The sign also says
you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with
various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and
database and presenting them to the manager. By this
time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked
at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.
However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign
and put his paw on the part about being an Equal
Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the
sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The
dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
"Even if you have just destroyed a Ming
Vase, purr.
Usually all will be forgiven." Lenny Rubenstein
CAT PHYSICS
Presented by the Institute of Theoretical & Applied Cat Physics
1. Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted
upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.
2. Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a
really good reason to change direction.
3. Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4. Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the
case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
5. Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length
of the nap just taken.
6. Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the
cat.
7. Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8. Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant speed, until he gets
good and ready to stop.
9. Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10. Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very
long.
11. Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in inverse proportion to a
human's desire for her to do something.
12. First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed
and will therefore use as little energy as possible.
13. Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of
napping.
14. Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.
15. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at
the speed of light.
16. Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
17. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat
within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18. Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19. Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show
you he can.
20. Law of Furniture Replacement
A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional
to the cost of the furniture.
21. Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22. Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus
the amount of milk consumed.
23. Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to
the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24. Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach
escape velocity.
25. Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't
Matter.
26. Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile
away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.
27. Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant
from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
28. Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see
them.
29. Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
30. Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort
of the lap she occupies.
31. Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only
the probability of where she "might" be.
32. Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.
The Twelve Days of Christmas Rescue
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS RESCUE
written by Sue Freeman 12-1-98
Go ahead! Sing along in the same tune as for the 12 Days of Christmas.
On the First Day of Christmas my 'true love' gave to me.
a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Second Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Third Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Forth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Five...bags...of...food
Four foster homes
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Six calls for funding
Five...bags...of...food
Four foster homes
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Seven newborn bottlers
Six calls for funding
Five...bags...of...food
Four foster homes
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Eight Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Eight feral kittens
Seven newborn bottlers
Six calls for funding
Five...bags...of...food
Four foster homes
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Nine pound-bound Persians
Eight feral kittens
Seven newborn bottlers
Six calls for funding
Five...bags...of...food
Four foster homes
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Ten moms with litters
Nine pound-bound Persians
Eight feral kittens
Seven newborn bottlers
Six calls for funding
Five...bags...of...food
Four foster homes
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Eleven cats with ringworm
Ten moms with litters
Nine pound-bound Persians
Eight feral kittens
Seven newborn bottlers
Six calls for funding
Five...bags...of...food
Four foster homes
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
Twelve feral colonies to trap
Eleven cats with ringworm
Ten moms with litters
Nine pound-bound Persians
Eight feral kittens
Seven newborn bottlers
Six calls for funding
Five...bags...of...food
Four foster homes
Three abandoned declaws
Two adopt-days weekly
and a phone line to advise on rescuing
- Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer.
- Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
- Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
- Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
- Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
- Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
- Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
- Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
- Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
- Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
- Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
- Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m.
- Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
- Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
- Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
- Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
- Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
A cat's wakeup method...
6:00 am. I am going to bed. (work nights). Cat is snoring at end of bed.
6:15 am. I make a bathroom trip. Cat is still snoring.
6:30 am. I let out other cat. Cat is still snoring.
6:45 am. I am asleep. Cat is waking up.
6:48 am. Cat is on my pillow, staring at me.
6:49 am. Cat stare has drilled hole in my head. I wake up, but feign unconsciousness.
6:50 am. Cat is onto me. He knows a faker. Cat meows VERY softly. I ignore cat.
6:51 am. Cat meows more loudly. I ignore cat.
6:52 am. Cat places nose in my ear and meows loudly. Eardrum
ruptures. I tell cat to go wake up husband.
6:53 am. Cat approaches unsuspecting husband. Cat stares at husband
intently. Husband has no cat radar, therefore continues to sleep.
6:54 am. Cat sits on husband's chest. Husband continues sleeping.
6:55 am. Cat leans forward and meows softly. Husband sleeps on.
6:56 am. Cat meows more loudly. He is ignored.
6:57 am. Cat stands on husbands face. Husband, fearing suffocation, wakes
up.
6:58 am. husband stupidly asks, "what do you want, cat?" Cat
proceeds to yank mini blinds off wall and point outside.
7:00 am. Husband lets cat out
OWNER'S GUIDE FOR CATS
- submitted by Sir Reginald Fluffy-Mittens
We cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. With a little love and caring, we can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human marginally trained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reason, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean can prove interesting. Start by licking them on their lips to stimulate their salivary glands, as they will need plenty of saliva for their enormous bodies. If they pull away, do not be discouraged. Lick your bottom to give them an example, and begin again. If attempts fail, try negative reinforcement by joining them in their showers thwarting their attempts to cleanse themselves, or scratching at the shower door and meowing loudly, if necessary. After they emerge from the shower fully alert, give them a demonstration of a lick bath, licking the water off of them, and then licking yourself.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you will have to work hard to get them to respond to commands. Communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. In the hardest cases, surprise is the preferred method of human training, as it appeals to what little instincts humans have, so is most likely to illicit a response. You will know you are making progress when they respond with pets and treats. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops. In extreme cases, a show of claws may be necessary to stop their behavior.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on their face, screaming in their ear, and biting their hair. When they wake up, remember to positively reinforce the behavior by purring and looking happy.
HUMAN ROMANCE: When humans are courting, their behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of them while they're in heat and sometimes resort to throwing slippers. We may dream of the day when we can have them spayed and neutered, but for now, the best advice is to leave the room, or fall asleep under the bed.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "procrastination reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, (just your size), and you should be fine. Always couple this negative reinforcement with a lot of love, and be prepared to give your human a time-out.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship. Good luck with your human!
CAT DIARY
Caution: don't be fooled by how cute they are
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...
Hmmm. Not working according to plan......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Fat Cat
In the Bronx, NY, lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did begin to chat on occasion with her neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for.
Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had.
"Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."
"For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, "Why can't you call a spayed a spayed."
Little Known Feline Ailments
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.
COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.
SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly head butts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).
NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.
SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them
(author unknown)
1. Do you, or have you ever owned a cat(s)?
2. Have you felt like you are the pet?
3. Do you spend more time playing/cuddling with your cat(s) than reading a book or watching TV?
4. Does your cat(s) eat better than you?
5. Does your cat(s) furniture look nicer than the people furniture?
6. Does your cat have more toys than you do?
7. Do you spend more on the cat toys and food than you do on treats for yourself?
8. Are your cat(s) considered family members with complete voting rights?
9. Do you move over at night so the cat(s) have more room in bed?
10. Have you bought/considered buying a bigger bed so the cat(s) have more room?
11. Are nose prints on windows a permanent fixture?
12. Do you/have you ever gotten down on all fours and batted a cat toy to entice your cat(s) to play?
13. Do you mimic the meows and purrs of a cat?
14. Can you purr while inhaling and exhaling?
15. Do you refer to yourself/spouse/partner as Mommy/Meowmie or Daddy?
16. Do you refer to your cat(s) as "furbaby" or "furkid"?
17. Have you ever moved for the comfort of your cat(s)?
18. Have you chosen a spouse/partner based on your cat(s) recommendation?
19. Have you ever just watched a sleeping cat(s)?
20. Have you ever gone to the store to buy a necessary item such as TP, shampoo, etc., only to find yourself driving away with cat toys, having completely forgotten why you went in the first place?
21. Have you ever changed your sleeping habits or positions for the comfort of your cat(s)?
22. Have you ever found yourself sleeping in the exact same position as your cat(s)?
23. Have you ever rearranged the furniture so that your cat(s) have better access to windows?
24. Does your collection of cat-related books, magazines, or videos takeup an entire bookshelf/case?
25. Is the cat theme a primary decorating technique?
26. Have you ever caught yourself bird-watching with your cat(s)?
27. Is cat hair a major food group?
28. Have you ever opened a can of cat food and thought "that smells kinda good"?
29. Do you like cats better than most people?
30. Do you feel guilty if you go out to eat and not bring back something for your cat(s)?
31. Do you spend more on your cat(s) than on yourself?
32. Have you turned the TV to an animal show so your cats can watch?
33. Do you spend more time on cat-related chat boards and pages than anywhere else?
34. Do you read snippets of cat magazines or books to your cat(s)?
35. Are cats the most fascinating
creatures on earth?
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Add up all your YES answers to get your cat-itis score!
- 8 or less: You have caught the
bug, but are still relatively sane. Just give it time.
9-16: You have a mild case of cat-itis. Seek no medical treatment; there is no cure. Now is the time to begin playing with cat toys and seeking new toys around the house. Work on that meow, the tone is slightly off.
- 17-26: Your condition is
severe. Cats have a firm hold on your life. This is the point where
anything cat is more interesting than people. Your purr may still need
work though.
- 27+: You are now an honorary cat, you may groom yourself when and where you please. You have the purr and meow down pat. It is not unusual to find yourself thinking as a cat.